Josie Jacobs

This post was originally published on 5/27/09 at POPPORN. I wrote it while I was working at a mom-n-pop porn shop. Most of the customers were dudes who came in to rent porn. While there were some nice, decent guys who rented from me most were complete weirdos who lost all normal social skills after gazing at porno boxcovers for more than a few minutes. Since the publishing this article over 2 years ago I’ve switched to a different porn shop that doesn’t rent movies so I don’t deal with nearly as many zombies anymore. However, 2 of my coworkers from the old shop have since joined me at my new job. We were reminiscing about the “old days” a few weeks back and it made me remember this….

My co-workers and I like to joke around that customers become zombies once they set foot in our porn store. Once normally functioning (or so I’d hope) human males, they become possessed by their undying love for naked ladies fucking on film. Their eyes glaze over, their brains turn to mush. They crave porn…PORN I TELL YOU!!!!… and they are unable to focus on anything else. These porno zombies, now consumed with their hunt for smut are unable to perform basic tasks, such as speaking in complete, coherent sentences or putting things back where they got them. Ask a porno zombie if they need any help or if they could please quit taking up a whole aisle by sitting cross legged on the floor like a kindergartner while drooling over the back covers of movies and all you will hear in return is a low, guttural grunt. Porno zombies lack basic math skills when it comes to paying for their precious movies and don’t respond when you tell them that they are short $10.36.

One night a few weeks ago this discussion of smut-addicted zombies with my co-workers somehow morphed into something completely different…how we’d survive a zombie uprising if we were trapped inside our shop. And just to make it clear, we are talking classic, dim-witted, slow-moving zombies not those super fast faux-zombies in 28 Days Later.

Here is just a excerpt from the “Porn Clerk Zombie Attack Survival Guide”:

Food & Drink – Start out eating whatever is leftover in the employee fridge. Once supplies run low it becomes time to search the store for products with a nutritional value: penis pasta, gummi-boob candy, edible underwear, giant dick shaped lollipops. Once the water cooler is empty, drink flavored lube.

Safety – While the coast is clear, soak the sidewalk outside the door with silicone lube as the slippery surface will be hard to zombies to walk on. Place promotional life-sized cardboard cutouts of porn stars and blow-up dolls outside, away from your shop, as decoys. Once back inside your store, secure the doors with lots of bondage rope. If zombies do manage to get inside, bludgeon them with large dildos and studded paddles.

Comfort and Sanity – A makeshift bed can be fashioned out of blowup dolls, Liberator pillows and other similar “positioning devices”. Pass the time by reading the articles in back issues of Hustler, watching porn, inventing a form of craps using “dirty dice”, playing ring toss with suction cup dongs and cock rings, and obviously…fucking like it is your last day on earth.

While this is by no means the complete survival guide, I thought it important to share with you the key components. We’ll continue to work on further details to provide you a true handbook to your zombie attack needs. As always, I’m here for you!

PLUS EXTRA BONUS ZOMBIE ACTION!

If you came here thinking you were going to see some porn about zombies well, my dear reader, you are in luck. My good pals over at BurningAngel.com always do something awesome for Halloween. In 2009 they made “Dong of the Dead” a web-only movie in which Joanna Angel and my current #1 porn crush Andy San Dimas have sex with a zombie James Deen and here are some stills from said movie. Click any of the pictures to be taken to the full gallery of higher-res awesomeness.

Want to know how to make sure you please Penthouse Pet Ryan Keely in bed? Well today’s your lucky day. She’s written a little guide of the top 9 mistakes guys have made in bed and gives you some easy tips on how to make things right!

1 . Not making sandwiches.
After a nice orgasm (or seven), I have one thing to say: “Where’s my sandwich?” I’m starving after a serious sack session. Your quick fix: Please be a good host and keep sandwich making materials on hand.

2 .Coming first and thinking you’re done.
A failure to make me orgasm will result in the saddest face you’ve ever seen, followed by the worst night of sleep you’ve ever had—if you can sleep at all while a naked me is fondling your nether regions and grinding against you. Your quick fix: Get me off, of course. I’ll be responsible for my own orgasm when I’m alone, but when I’m with you, I’m looking for something more. Please note: If you come first but you’re still hard or quick to regain tumescence, all will be forgiven.

3 . Trying every single foreplay move you’ve ever heard of.
Foreplay is not as important as you think, unless you’re ugly. Five minutes is plenty for me, and it can be plenty for most women if you do it right. Your quick fix: Make sure I’m wet or lubed up before you thrust into me, and at least sometimes make me come first. Please note: Oral sex is sex, not foreplay.

Read the rest of Ryan’s tips at PenthouseMagazine.com!

I was pretty psyched when I received the “Vibrating Support Plus Extended Ring Matador” (long enough name for ya?) in the mail to review. With all my experience playing with and reviewing, sex toys I really haven’t had much experience with cockrings aside from one of those one-time-use Screaming O’s that left me not so screaming.

The VSP Extended Ring Matador is a stretchy TPR ring to be worn around one’s cock, featuring stainless steel semi-circle supports,  2 stainless steel “pleasure beads”, and a cartoon bulls head at the top into which you insert a vibrating bullet. Oh, and it is waterproof to, so you can play in the shower or the pool or somewhere else that’s, you know, watery. If you are thinking “holy crap.. that’s a lot going on” you are right, cause holy crap that is a lot going on… but it all works together quite well, I promise.

Since this kind of toy requires a second body to test it out, I tracked down a willing male to wear this while he fucked me.. FOR SCIENCE! When I whipped out the VSP ERM (I’m too lazy to type the full name out again) he was a little frightened, understandably. It’s kind of weird looking, it has this metal stuff going on, it doesn’t really look like it’s going to be comfortable, etc etc etc… but any fears quickly subsided after I gave him a reassuring blowjob. So now it was time to get to business! After giving my tester-dick and the ring a generous helping of water-based lube to help get it on (without lube, the jelly material sticks to the skin and is really tricky and uncomfortable to put on) I turned on the vibrating bullet and hopped on for what turned out to be a generally enjoyable ride.

From the beginning the ring was comfortable for me. I couldn’t really feel the “extended” section fo the ring with the pleasure beads but I wasn’t complaining. The included vibrating bullet was very strong (I’ll probably end up using it alone just as a mini-vibe one of these days) and the bull’s head was making contact with my clit quite well. We tried it out in a few different positions, but cowgirl turned out the best since it allowed me to control the position on the vibrating bull-head. All in all it felt very very nice. However, after about 5 minutes or so, after having a few orgasms, noticed that my clit was getting a little sore from the bull (the jelly it is made out of is a little hard) and I decided to continue sex sans the VSP ERM.

After basking in our post-orgasmic glows, I asked my accomplice what he thought of the ring. For him, it was very comfortable – even with the extra support from the stainless steel semi-circles, he didn’t find the ring to be too tight or bulky. Since the vibrations on the ring are located at the top he didn’t find the sensations to be overpowering or distracting. (Sometimes rings that also feature vibration at the bottom part of the ring can do that.) He said he enjoyed himself and would be more than happy to play with me again using the ring.

So in closing, I really enjoyed the Vibrating Support Plus Extended Ring Matador. It transmitted the vibrations from the ring to me very well and it was extremely comfortable for my dude to wear. We sell it at the shop I work at and I’ve already recommended it to a bunch of my customers looking for something to use to spice up their sex lives. My only gripe is the material it was made from – personally, the jelly is little too hard and I think if it had been made out of a softer material it wouldn’t have made me uncomfortable as quickly. Oh an also, the vibrating bullet was advertised on the box as being 3 speed, but the one I got only had 1.. but I’m not crying over that.

Interested? California Exotic’s Vibrating Support Plus Extended Ring Matador is available at AdultDVDEmpire.com for the low low price of $26.99!

I love this Ikea commercial! Luckily I don’t have to worry about that happening as I don’t have kids, but now that we have a dog in the house I do have to be a bit more careful where I put my toys, especially silicone and jelly ones since they have textures very similar to puppy’s chew toys!

I started out storing my toys and DVDs  in a drawer underneath my bed but I quickly ran out of room so my goodies now are split up between the drawer and a vintage heart-shaped hat box I picked up on a trip to Louisville years ago. But I’m starting to run out of room again! My Hitachi Magic Wand (a gift from the ever-amazing Ryan Keely) has taken up residence in the little space between the mattress and the wall and I have a huge pile of toys, still in their boxes and waiting to be reviewed that don’t have a home yet, so it’s time to start shopping for more toy storage. Here are some of my top picks.

The Original Toibocks is really popular at my porn shop. It looks like a normal jewelry box to the naked eye but if you know the secret to open the hidden latch (hint: it’s magnet-powered) the top section lifts up revealing a ton of room to store toys as big as a rabbit vibe. I sell these a lot to people who are parents or who still live at home with their parents since you’d never even guess it was toy storage unless you were in the know!

The Devine Toy Box is another big hit at my store. They come in a variety of colors and patterns (a pink box with quilted hearts is the most popular one at the shop) and are lockable. While not as subtle as the Toibocks, the Devine boxes are cute enough to keep out on your bedside table and have enough room to store the basics – some small toys, lube, condoms and even a set of restraints.

This case by For Your Nymphomation is definitely up my alley – it has tons of room for lots and lots of toys and other fun stuff, pockets and straps to keep everything together and it’s covered in leopard fur goodness! I’m not trying to really hide the fact that I own toys (hell, I have the Under The Bed Restraint System by Sportsheets perpetually hanging down from my mattress for anyone to see) so I like that the case is kinda flashy but obviously someone trying to be a bit more discreet can order it in black, white, pink, or purple faux-leather.

What could become a continuing series, “Stuff I Love” is pretty self-explanatory. After working as long as I have in the jizz biz, I have a handful of favorite products that I am continuously suggesting to customers. I thought I might as well share my knowledge with you guys too!

Up first is Pjur Eros Original Bodyglide. It’s like the holy grail of lube. I’ve never found anything better and my customers agree. Once you start using it you will never go back to your old stuff again! I was introduced to this stuff my first week on the job and I’ve been hooked ever since.

Eros is silicone-based and made in Germany (“you know the germans always make good stuff”). It’s non-toxic, odor-free and tasteless, and feels totally awesome. It’s silky and velvety all at the same time. This stuff is super concentrated so one drop goes a long way and because it doesn’t dry up you never need to reapply – a little bottle can last you a very long time… (con’t at popporn.com)

So go buy some eros now…you will thank me later, I promise!

READ THE REST OF THIS REVIEW AT POPPORN.COM!

(and please leave your comments over there, too)