Tag Archives: popporn

from the archives : The Porn Store Zombie Survival Guide

30 Aug

This post was originally published on 5/27/09 at POPPORN. I wrote it while I was working at a mom-n-pop porn shop. Most of the customers were dudes who came in to rent porn. While there were some nice, decent guys who rented from me most were complete weirdos who lost all normal social skills after gazing at porno boxcovers for more than a few minutes. Since the publishing this article over 2 years ago I’ve switched to a different porn shop that doesn’t rent movies so I don’t deal with nearly as many zombies anymore. However, 2 of my coworkers from the old shop have since joined me at my new job. We were reminiscing about the “old days” a few weeks back and it made me remember this….


My co-workers and I like to joke around that customers become zombies once they set foot in our porn store. Once normally functioning (or so I’d hope) human males, they become possessed by their undying love for naked ladies fucking on film. Their eyes glaze over, their brains turn to mush. They crave porn…PORN I TELL YOU!!!!… and they are unable to focus on anything else. These porno zombies, now consumed with their hunt for smut are unable to perform basic tasks, such as speaking in complete, coherent sentences or putting things back where they got them. Ask a porno zombie if they need any help or if they could please quit taking up a whole aisle by sitting cross legged on the floor like a kindergartner while drooling over the back covers of movies and all you will hear in return is a low, guttural grunt. Porno zombies lack basic math skills when it comes to paying for their precious movies and don’t respond when you tell them that they are short $10.36.

One night a few weeks ago this discussion of smut-addicted zombies with my co-workers somehow morphed into something completely different…how we’d survive a zombie uprising if we were trapped inside our shop. And just to make it clear, we are talking classic, dim-witted, slow-moving zombies not those super fast faux-zombies in 28 Days Later.

Here is just a excerpt from the “Porn Clerk Zombie Attack Survival Guide”:

Food & Drink – Start out eating whatever is leftover in the employee fridge. Once supplies run low it becomes time to search the store for products with a nutritional value: penis pasta, gummi-boob candy, edible underwear, giant dick shaped lollipops. Once the water cooler is empty, drink flavored lube.

Safety – While the coast is clear, soak the sidewalk outside the door with silicone lube as the slippery surface will be hard to zombies to walk on. Place promotional life-sized cardboard cutouts of porn stars and blow-up dolls outside, away from your shop, as decoys. Once back inside your store, secure the doors with lots of bondage rope. If zombies do manage to get inside, bludgeon them with large dildos and studded paddles.

Comfort and Sanity – A makeshift bed can be fashioned out of blowup dolls, Liberator pillows and other similar “positioning devices”. Pass the time by reading the articles in back issues of Hustler, watching porn, inventing a form of craps using “dirty dice”, playing ring toss with suction cup dongs and cock rings, and obviously…fucking like it is your last day on earth.


While this is by no means the complete survival guide, I thought it important to share with you the key components. We’ll continue to work on further details to provide you a true handbook to your zombie attack needs. As always, I’m here for you!



If you came here thinking you were going to see some porn about zombies well, my dear reader, you are in luck. My good pals over at BurningAngel.com always do something awesome for Halloween. In 2009 they made “Dong of the Dead” a web-only movie in which Joanna Angel and my current #1 porn crush Andy San Dimas have sex with a zombie James Deen and here are some stills from said movie. Click any of the pictures to be taken to the full gallery of higher-res awesomeness.

stuff i love: eros silicone lube

21 Aug

What could become a continuing series, “Stuff I Love” is pretty self-explanatory. After working as long as I have in the jizz biz, I have a handful of favorite products that I am continuously suggesting to customers. I thought I might as well share my knowledge with you guys too!

Up first is Pjur Eros Original Bodyglide. It’s like the holy grail of lube. I’ve never found anything better and my customers agree. Once you start using it you will never go back to your old stuff again! I was introduced to this stuff my first week on the job and I’ve been hooked ever since.

Eros is silicone-based and made in Germany (“you know the germans always make good stuff”). It’s non-toxic, odor-free and tasteless, and feels totally awesome. It’s silky and velvety all at the same time. This stuff is super concentrated so one drop goes a long way and because it doesn’t dry up you never need to reapply – a little bottle can last you a very long time… (con’t at popporn.com)

So go buy some eros now…you will thank me later, I promise!

Picture 436


(and please leave your comments over there, too)

so long and thanks for all the fish!

12 Aug

In case you missed the news on Popporn or twitter, my friend and uber-crush Stevie Hart has officially left the porn biz to move back to New York and focus on her art. When we met for dinner in Miami (video) Stevie had told me she didn’t expect to be in the industry for much longer so the news didn’t come as a big surprise to me, but I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I’m sad to be seeing her go. Anyways I wish Stevie the best of luck with all her future endeavors – she’s an awesome artist so I know she’ll go far!

The scenes Stevie shot while she was in Miami are both up on Bang Bros. I’m really digging them cause (besides you know, it’s hot sex) her awesome personality really shines through.

“It’s Raining Cum” @ Big Mouthfuls

“Married to the Cock” @ Monsters of Cock

Here are some pictures I snapped on my phone from when we shot her first “solar” (aka solo) scene for POPPORN: The Guide to Making Fuck. It was pretty awesome to see her get herself off multiple times in just a few minutes.




Stevie is also in Vivid-Alt’s upcoming “Art School Girls are Easy”. (it might be her last scene.. i’m not sure.) You can see the trailer over at Eon McKai’s blog.

Lexi Belle, porn crush & birthday girl

6 Aug

I’m a day late in wishing the adorable Lexi Belle a happy 22nd birthday(yay!!!!!) … but 1 day late is better than never, right?

I’ve had a porn-crush on Lexi Belle for a while now. How could I not? She’s got a hot little body, perfect boobs, and adorable voice, and an awesome personality to boot! And to top it off, I found this picture of Lexi from high school (via hustlerworld). The mohawk… I think I’m in love. sigh.


If you’re still not sold, maybe these hardcore pics will change your mind…

2 3


are you ready to party?

30 Jul

are you ready to party?

i hope so, cause the POPPORN: Guide To Making Fuck screening is tonight, mothafuckas!

Can you believe it? It’s finally here! The release of POPPORN.com’s first feature length adult, pornographic, XXX movie. Since it’s our first film and all, we thought it best to host a little screening of this here fuck flick right in our hometown of Philadelphia, PA! That’s right, if you live near us or are gonna be around stop on out! One of our favorite adult stars, GIANNA MICHAELS will be hosting the event. Your favorite POPPORN Girls will be there as well along with the whole POPPORN staff.

More importantly, shit be FREE!

So come on out, we’d love to see you!

WHEN: Thursday, July 30th @ 9PM

Music by DJ Julian SPRCS

Page 1 of 912345...Last »