This “Best of Craigslist” posting was passed around my old shop (we had actually considered writing our own version of it but got a little lazy) when I started working there but I had forgotten all about it until @TweeterJennings sent me a link to it a few days ago. At my old shop a fair amount of this shit rang true to me but I don’t have to think about this stuff anymore now that my new job is at a store that is 100% rental-movie free!

best of craigslist > raleigh > To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store Originally Posted: Mon, 20 Jul 21:52 EDT

To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store

Date: 2009-07-20, 9:52PM EDT

Dear Porn Purchaser,

1. I’ll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn’t play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn’t feature enough fucking, didn’t feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.

2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It’s possible, but very unlikely, that we didn’t give you a receipt. It’s impossible that you didn’t get the packaging. That’s just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn’t work. Yes, that’s right. I’m college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.

3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven’t, it’s a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it’s free!

4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.

5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don’t understand. It’s a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It’s pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. “Big Black Poles in White Holes,” for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like “Giant Goo Covered Jugs,” “Girls Kissing Girls,” “Anal Addiction,” “Big Wet Asses,” “Enema Queens,” and “Hairy Cooter Bonanza.” Usually, you don’t have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) – pornography isn’t known for being demure.

6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can’t tell you whether “Giant Greeze Covered Asses” is better than “Big Wet Booty Poppin’ Booty.” To be honest, I don’t even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.

7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don’t have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I’m not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.

8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously…calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.

Thanks and have a nice day,

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

If you enjoyed this post, maybe you'll like this stuff too:

  1. from the archives : The Porn Store Zombie Survival Guide
  2. Porn Store Dispatch #6 is up! (plus some emo stuff, too)
  3. The More You Know… Pt. 2


This entry was posted on Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 10:52 am and is filed under blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
3 Comments so far

  1. Rosebud on September 24, 2009 11:25 am

    Nothing quite like being a complete asshole to the people that help pay your wages. This person sucks. She’s trying to be funny but actually, she’s just demonstrating her own negative feelings towards pornography and towards people in general. Fuck that.


  2. josie jacobs on September 24, 2009 12:09 pm

    i think everyone is entitled to their opinion but maybe you are taking this all a little too far. if you worked 40 hours a week in a seedy porn store renting movies to customers who generally forget all their manners and turn into drooling porn hounds the minute they walk into your shop (exactly how it happened at my old shop) you’d probably be singing a different tune. the writer was just getting some shift off their chest on the anonymous internets, not yelling at their customers in person that they suck and need to GTFO of the store.
    and who said the writer was a girl, anyways?


  3. Skardcore on September 25, 2009 4:42 pm

    That’s the Josie Jacobs I love. Cracked me, I needed that laugh :)


Name (required)

Email (required)


Leave a comment

  • Countdown!

    No dates present
  • Support Josie

    If you like what I'm doing why don't you show some support by clicking the ads or by buying memberships or products from some of my favorite sites below.
    Or you can always throw some love directly my way!

    My Wish List

    Gift cards to my favorite shops - Sephora, Forever21, & Victoria's Secret can be sent to josie(at)josiejacobs(com)com!

  • Stuff I Love

    Hey.. I'm in this movie!

    Just $16.99 -

    JT's Stockroom

    ToiBocks - Sex toy storage - EdenFantasys