Josie Jacobs

This post was originally published on 5/27/09 at POPPORN. I wrote it while I was working at a mom-n-pop porn shop. Most of the customers were dudes who came in to rent porn. While there were some nice, decent guys who rented from me most were complete weirdos who lost all normal social skills after gazing at porno boxcovers for more than a few minutes. Since the publishing this article over 2 years ago I’ve switched to a different porn shop that doesn’t rent movies so I don’t deal with nearly as many zombies anymore. However, 2 of my coworkers from the old shop have since joined me at my new job. We were reminiscing about the “old days” a few weeks back and it made me remember this….

My co-workers and I like to joke around that customers become zombies once they set foot in our porn store. Once normally functioning (or so I’d hope) human males, they become possessed by their undying love for naked ladies fucking on film. Their eyes glaze over, their brains turn to mush. They crave porn…PORN I TELL YOU!!!!… and they are unable to focus on anything else. These porno zombies, now consumed with their hunt for smut are unable to perform basic tasks, such as speaking in complete, coherent sentences or putting things back where they got them. Ask a porno zombie if they need any help or if they could please quit taking up a whole aisle by sitting cross legged on the floor like a kindergartner while drooling over the back covers of movies and all you will hear in return is a low, guttural grunt. Porno zombies lack basic math skills when it comes to paying for their precious movies and don’t respond when you tell them that they are short $10.36.

One night a few weeks ago this discussion of smut-addicted zombies with my co-workers somehow morphed into something completely different…how we’d survive a zombie uprising if we were trapped inside our shop. And just to make it clear, we are talking classic, dim-witted, slow-moving zombies not those super fast faux-zombies in 28 Days Later.

Here is just a excerpt from the “Porn Clerk Zombie Attack Survival Guide”:

Food & Drink – Start out eating whatever is leftover in the employee fridge. Once supplies run low it becomes time to search the store for products with a nutritional value: penis pasta, gummi-boob candy, edible underwear, giant dick shaped lollipops. Once the water cooler is empty, drink flavored lube.

Safety – While the coast is clear, soak the sidewalk outside the door with silicone lube as the slippery surface will be hard to zombies to walk on. Place promotional life-sized cardboard cutouts of porn stars and blow-up dolls outside, away from your shop, as decoys. Once back inside your store, secure the doors with lots of bondage rope. If zombies do manage to get inside, bludgeon them with large dildos and studded paddles.

Comfort and Sanity – A makeshift bed can be fashioned out of blowup dolls, Liberator pillows and other similar “positioning devices”. Pass the time by reading the articles in back issues of Hustler, watching porn, inventing a form of craps using “dirty dice”, playing ring toss with suction cup dongs and cock rings, and obviously…fucking like it is your last day on earth.

While this is by no means the complete survival guide, I thought it important to share with you the key components. We’ll continue to work on further details to provide you a true handbook to your zombie attack needs. As always, I’m here for you!

PLUS EXTRA BONUS ZOMBIE ACTION!

If you came here thinking you were going to see some porn about zombies well, my dear reader, you are in luck. My good pals over at BurningAngel.com always do something awesome for Halloween. In 2009 they made “Dong of the Dead” a web-only movie in which Joanna Angel and my current #1 porn crush Andy San Dimas have sex with a zombie James Deen and here are some stills from said movie. Click any of the pictures to be taken to the full gallery of higher-res awesomeness.

My good pal Bup IMed me today, asking me to do him a favor. “Tell Joanna to make Riot Grrrls 2 streaming so I can buy it and watch my porn crush Ladie Lane.”

Josie: so tell me some stuff about ladie lane and why you like her
Bup: well other than the fact that she is super pretty with awesome lips she is a cool person, she has a down to earth attitude and seemes genuinely interested in what her fans have to say about and to her.
Bup: she does cam stuff for sinstercams.com and encourages her fans to come on even to just say hi. she seems to actually enjoy what she does, which (at least I think) a lot of people in this career don’t
Bup: so yeah basically she is a cool girl and has awesome tits

I haven’t had a chance to ask Joanna when the movie will be available for streaming, so I decided to post some pictures of Ladie (and her awesome tits) from her 1st Burning Angel set in honor of Bup.

as always, click the pictures to get to the full high-res gallery

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The last time I saw my friend Joanna Angel, super hot lady and empress of the Burning Angel punk porn empire, was at The AVN Show, an porn industry-only convention that was held earlier this month in Hollywood, Florida. I was there to meet with the toy suppliers for my porn shop and Joanna was there to speak on a ton of different panels ’cause she is super hot AND super smart. Since we were both kinda busy I wasn’t expecting that we’d get to hang out much, but luckily we ran into each other poolside after all the businessy things had been completed and we got to “ho down” (aka my new made up term for ladies ‘bro-ing down’) for part of the evening.

“ho-in’ down” at the Westin Diplomat pool

We talked about a ton of stuff, including one of her newest movies, Doppelganger, which is about Joanna and her evil blow-up doll. Filming a movie where the co-star is an inanimate object makes for some funny stories… like how she had to cut up a doll and make a suit out of it so someone could put it on and wear it when they had to film the doll doing things, like the scene with the straw in the trailer.

Doppelganger is available for purchase now at the Burning Angel store and stars Joanna Angel, Phoenix Askani, Jiz Lee, Asphyxia, newbie angel Arabelle Raphael, and Sparky Sin Claire.

click the pictures to see the covers in hi-res

And speaking of Joanna Angel’s doppelganger... In ’08 I was working the Miami Exxxotica convention for Burning Angel, being Joanna’s assistant (aka drink grabber, money-taker, dvd unwrapper, etc). I ended up manning the booth by myself for a little bit while Joanna was speaking at a panel. While she was gone I had tons of guys come up to the booth asking if I was her (…mind you, there was a giant poster with Joanna’s picture and name right behind me). We are both Jews with kinda long dark-ish hair but that is basically where the resemblance ends. Sometimes people aren’t very observant! You can read an old blog entry (w/ lots of pictures) about Exxxotica ’08 over yonder at POPPORN.com

Yesterday was Mother’s Day AND the 50th anniversary of The Pill so I thought it would be kind of funny to make a blog celebrating both at once by posting pictures and/or videos of MILFs getting creampied. After searching long and hard (hahah, i said “long and hard”) I discovered something… MILF creampie porn really tuns me off, so I’m not going to post any. I don’t want to be confronted by something I don’t like every time I have to check my site.

In other totally not gross news I am super excited for Friday night because I’ll be out partying with Joanna Angel and Jenna Haze and guess what.. you can join us! It’s going to be at Liv nightclub at the Fontainbleu Miami Beach (4441 Collins Avenue). Click on the picture for more details.

Really… it does!  Didn’t anyone at Atlantis, a Portuguese company that specializes in religious glass and crystal art realize that this 9.5″ lead crystal “sculpture” looks less like the Virgin Mary and more like something you might pick up in a sex shop?

If you like mixing religion with your sex life, might I suggest Divine Interventions, a company that specializes in making body safe medical grade silicone toys (no lead here!) like the Baby Jesus Buttplug, Jackhammer Jesus,  and Virgin Mary Dildo, among others?

You may have recognized these toys from Burning Angel‘s classic horror-porn, The XXXorcist, starring Joanna Angel and Kylee Kross.