from the archives : The Porn Store Zombie Survival Guide
30 Aug
This post was originally published on 5/27/09 at POPPORN. I wrote it while I was working at a mom-n-pop porn shop. Most of the customers were dudes who came in to rent porn. While there were some nice, decent guys who rented from me most were complete weirdos who lost all normal social skills after gazing at porno boxcovers for more than a few minutes. Since the publishing this article over 2 years ago I’ve switched to a different porn shop that doesn’t rent movies so I don’t deal with nearly as many zombies anymore. However, 2 of my coworkers from the old shop have since joined me at my new job. We were reminiscing about the “old days” a few weeks back and it made me remember this….
My co-workers and I like to joke around that customers become zombies once they set foot in our porn store. Once normally functioning (or so I’d hope) human males, they become possessed by their undying love for naked ladies fucking on film. Their eyes glaze over, their brains turn to mush. They crave porn…PORN I TELL YOU!!!!… and they are unable to focus on anything else. These porno zombies, now consumed with their hunt for smut are unable to perform basic tasks, such as speaking in complete, coherent sentences or putting things back where they got them. Ask a porno zombie if they need any help or if they could please quit taking up a whole aisle by sitting cross legged on the floor like a kindergartner while drooling over the back covers of movies and all you will hear in return is a low, guttural grunt. Porno zombies lack basic math skills when it comes to paying for their precious movies and don’t respond when you tell them that they are short $10.36.
One night a few weeks ago this discussion of smut-addicted zombies with my co-workers somehow morphed into something completely different…how we’d survive a zombie uprising if we were trapped inside our shop. And just to make it clear, we are talking classic, dim-witted, slow-moving zombies not those super fast faux-zombies in 28 Days Later.
Here is just a excerpt from the “Porn Clerk Zombie Attack Survival Guide”:
Food & Drink – Start out eating whatever is leftover in the employee fridge. Once supplies run low it becomes time to search the store for products with a nutritional value: penis pasta, gummi-boob candy, edible underwear, giant dick shaped lollipops. Once the water cooler is empty, drink flavored lube.
Safety – While the coast is clear, soak the sidewalk outside the door with silicone lube as the slippery surface will be hard to zombies to walk on. Place promotional life-sized cardboard cutouts of porn stars and blow-up dolls outside, away from your shop, as decoys. Once back inside your store, secure the doors with lots of bondage rope. If zombies do manage to get inside, bludgeon them with large dildos and studded paddles.
Comfort and Sanity – A makeshift bed can be fashioned out of blowup dolls, Liberator pillows and other similar “positioning devices”. Pass the time by reading the articles in back issues of Hustler, watching porn, inventing a form of craps using “dirty dice”, playing ring toss with suction cup dongs and cock rings, and obviously…fucking like it is your last day on earth.
While this is by no means the complete survival guide, I thought it important to share with you the key components. We’ll continue to work on further details to provide you a true handbook to your zombie attack needs. As always, I’m here for you!
PLUS EXTRA BONUS ZOMBIE ACTION!
If you came here thinking you were going to see some porn about zombies well, my dear reader, you are in luck. My good pals over at BurningAngel.com always do something awesome for Halloween. In 2009 they made “Dong of the Dead” a web-only movie in which Joanna Angel and my current #1 porn crush Andy San Dimas have sex with a zombie James Deen and here are some stills from said movie. Click any of the pictures to be taken to the full gallery of higher-res awesomeness.
